It is my belief that society trains us to put on a mask on live dominated by who we think we should be. This keeps us living in a state dominated by our ego, or false self. And it can take a lot of work, or untraining to re-find our true self, hidden beneath the mask.
Perhaps you are wondering what ego means. Perhaps you have heard it used in different context and find the term confusing. I know I did.
In order to better understand the definition of ego, I have listened to and read numerous spiritual teachings, many of them eastern-influenced. However, I have yet to come up with a simple, clear definition. It is one of those concepts that cannot be accurately described in words, kind of like God.
However, the ego can be understood and it can be felt. Living in your ego usually doesn't feel good. Or it feels good for a short time, then leaves you with emptiness.
Think of the last time you felt jealous of someone else's good fortune. That was your ego.
Think of the last time you time you were anxious and wondering if you be "successful" in meeting your career and financial goals? That was your ego.
Think of the last time you got into an argument or power struggle with a friend/co-worker/family member because you thought you knew a better way to do something. That was probably your ego. The ego is the part of you that equates your value with things-- achievements, relationships, money, possessions. The ego is also the part of you that is pre-occupied with the past or future and the part of you that wants to control situations.
Have you noticed that it can be hard to sit still for even an hour (without doing anything) and feel calm?
You have probably heard the phrase, "We are human beings, not human doings". I love it! At our core we are energy; we are love; we are spirit. We are simply living beings doing our best as Joe, Jane, Carol, or whatever name ended up on our human birth certificate.
Yet due to the need to fit in with society and function at the level our culture and our families and our minds tell us we must, we DO, DO, DO. We THINK, THINK, THINK. And it is taxing, itsn't it? But the ego loves it.
Does any of the following sound familiar?
"What am I doing next?"
"What needs changing or fixing?"
"How can I get what I want? Because when I have ____(a relationship, new job, more money, a house) I will be happy."
The ego has a hard time appreciating life as it exists, right now. The ego has a story about what happiness and success is supposed to look like. And this story often changes, or more is added. And when the story is going differently than the ego thinks it should, we feel let down.
Thank goodness, the ego is not who we are. We need a bit of ego to make it in this world, but the ego often causes more harm than good. The ego leads us to believe that we are someone very different than our true selves.
Who are you right now?
I am asking this because for many years I had no idea. I was completely identified with my ego. I did not feel good enough. My ego had such high high expectations for achievement and I never seemed to meet them. I needed to have another degree, a certain job title; I needed others to praise me or reward my performance in order to feel good. Classic ego stuff.
Recently, however, I had a unique experience while hiking through a rainforest that gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to temporarily lose the ego-- to be completely in touch with my true self, or spirit.
The experience came upon me, I did not seek it out. It was my second day hiking to waterfalls in Belize. It was toward the end of the hike. I did not do anything magical. I had just been very present for several hours, breathing in the lush, earthy jungle air, feasting on incredible green beauty, listening to rushing water, and at times, singing softly.
Two things happened prior to the cool loss-of-ego experience. A blue butterfly completely changed its course from hovering over by the stream to flying directly toward me, a peaceful acknowledgment. Pehaps he heard my song?
Then a very large frond from a towering palm tree began to move slowly over my way, until it brushed my head then stopped, creating a ceiling over the trail. It was amazing! I have never seen this happen before and the phenomenon cannot be explained by wind.
A few moments later, as we were nearing the end of the hike, I began to feel incredibly peaceful. I no longer cared about "my life" as Carol. I detached from my dreams/needs/desires for the future-- even for the "important" things like finding a life partner, establishing a private practice, writing a book. I felt completely like the being, or spirit inside of me. I had this sense of nothing else matters in this moment. I was none of that other stuff (job, education, my life story). Fear was completely gone. My life seemed to be nothing other than the peaceful energy I was dwelling in. For those few moments.
I share this story because it helped me. It is easier now for me to trust the present moment, to trust in the power of feeling calm. This is who I really am. Sure, when I am with a client, I am a therapist for that hour. Or when I am at my computer, I am a writer. But walking in the rainforest, I am not my job title, am I? I am simply spirit in a human body walking through a rainforest.
I encourage you to ask yourself now or when the time feels right, "Who am I right now?" Try to breathe deeply as you do this to to feel energy inside your body. When your mind tries to answer the question, "I am son/father/wife/teacher/leader" ignore it. Ignore words.
Feel your presence. Don't think it.
