Preciousness in the passing

There is a part of me that can't handle loss. Struggles with change. This part of me feels sad with the temporary nature of things. All living beings pass away. Vacations end. Babies, toddlers, children grow up and leave us. Our bodies age, losing muscle tone, elasticity and vitality. Precious moments pass.

When I am not careful I can dwell on this. Feel helpless and hopeless. What is the point? How can I be happy and at peace knowing my blessings will not last? That I have to bid them farewell and experience a million endings in this life time. Everything good that I love. Every beautiful moment.

The therapist and buddhist in me knows that this is normal for humans. To struggle with clinging to what we want (desire) and pushing away that which we do not want (aversion). And knowing that I am not alone is relieving. 

Up to this point I have had far more good experiences than negative ones in my life. And that is something to celebrate. And as I reflect more deeply I recognize that in addition to the endings, life is bringing us a constant stream of new beginnings. Birth is happening every day -- new flowers are blooming, babies are entering the open arms of their parents. Our children are learning new things and finding new ways to show their independence and their unique strengths.

There are new hugs, new games of hide and seek, new recipes being cooked, new vacations being planned. Plants are growing, flowering, releasing seed to spread new life. Lonely people are finding new friends and  partners, new conflicts are arising and people are learning and struggling along the way.

Every moment brings something new. And that is not sad to me. That is special. Even exciting. If I can find a way to recognize the beauty and birth that accompanies the change and loss I feel more full and more fulfilled. I can also recognize that the temporary nature of things is needed; it is necessary. Part of our human experience is to experience great pain and sorrow and fear. To have negative experiences. Trauma. We must have moment through this. Change allows us to find relief, heal and grieve. It is a blessing.

The nature of life is movement, growth and passing away. Without clinging we must appreciate and savor the experiences in which we find joy and allow it and all else to come and go. Changing. Always.

You are precious my friends. 

Writing through life

 Today it finally happened. I realized how much I miss (and need) to do spiritual writing. I was doing a guided meditation in my backyard in the shade of a fruit tree. Much has changed and grown over the past decade. I have found my life partner and married. We have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. Motherhood has been the most profound, meaningful and challenging experience of my life. I was not prepared for how much it would change my life.

Becoming a mother has given my life new focus. Having babies, toddlers and now young children has been all consuming, however. One has far less personal time. I have had to make choices about how to spend my time. One lesson I have learned is that my spiritual and writing practice is not something I can keep on the back burner. It sustains me, picks me up when I have fallen. It helps me process emotions, gain wisdom, make sense of things. It is like putting on glasses to sharpen blurry vision. It is like wrapping a warm blanket around my heart. It helps me feel and tolerate my feelings. To not bury and bottle up what hurts.

It also helps me to recognize the good in life. The beauty of the this ever changing, colorful, rollercoaster of human experience. When I sit in meditation or reflect in writing, I can feel grateful. I feel more connected to my life. And I can feel an empathy for myself and others that my often anxious, auto pilot state blocks.

This is important because I believe in the power of love and compassion. These are the components of a full life and the keys to unlocking the barriers between humans. The ingredients necessary to heal pain and to slow the degradation of the planet

We must to care, we must feel and we must reflect in order to feel whole. This will help us to help others. This will help us feel safe and connected. 

Writing is the tool that helps me to do this. The bridge that helps me to cross from ego to true self. From mindless to mindful. So I will write. I will write. I will write again.__

Got Shraddha?

Got Shraddha?
Shraddha is a Sanskrit word which Wikipedia defines as faith with love and reverence.
We often think we know what is best for us and become attached to a desired outcome or goal.
Our minds become rigid and fixated on what we “want". For example, "I need this opportunity or this home or this partner to work out."
This can lead to anxiety and attempts to control. It can also lead to great disappointment when things do not go our way.
Even when we are fortunate and our goals manifest, things in life are never how we imagined. Life is one great mystery.
Faith, or shradda can help us to embrace the journey, to loosen our grip and to simply, enjoy.
Nine years ago a personal tragedy led to questioning my faith in a higher power. Shraddha simply was not accessible to me for some time. I had to work hard to re-connect with my faith in a higher power. It started with a willingness to Trust again,
And a willingness to be okay with uncertainty.
We never know what our future will bring…..and our happiness is not dependent on desired outcomes.
One thing that has helped me to regain faith is to realize that the purpose of life is to experience a wide array of emotions (pleasurable and not) and outcomes (desireable and not) and to gain wisdom, gratitude and help others the best I can along my journey.


note: this entry was started in 2012, saved in draft for 11 years and completed today, 6/13/21 when I returned to my Spiritual Someday blog.

Think less, see more

"The less I think I know,
The more I really see..."

In a book about the 8 limbs of yoga I came across Aparigraha, which translated as nonpossessiveness or nonhoarding. Among other useful teachings Aparigraha warns us that we may need to be less possessive, less certain about our long held thoughts and beliefs.

You and I may look at the same object and perceive it very differently. Take the classic “Is the glass half full or half empty?” example. A rainy day for some people is a blessed gift to dry earth while for others it is a gloomy picnic saboteur.

I work as a therapist. And what do we do in this field? We meet with someone for 1 ½ hours, ask a sequence of questions, many of which are “cookie cutter” and then we develop an “assessment” of the person, a written document which immediately begins to guide our beliefs about that person and our clinical work.

The good thing is I do not have to take the “I am the expert and I have you figured out” orientation. I recently implemented a system of client feedback which allows clients to tell me what worked in a session, what didn’t, where I went wrong our made an assumption, etc. This came from a recent training and is considered a "cutting edge" approach. That is a glaring example of a tradition of therapist assumption!

Every new moment is fresh. Aparigraha can encourage us to leave behind what we believed last week, last year. How many of our beliefs and perceptions are 100% accurate? How many beliefs and thoughts actually cause unnecessary anguish?

A fresh perspective can occur in each moment if we simply allow ourselves to assume nothing. To breathe in, breathe out. To talk less, and listen more. To control less and let go more.

Thank you, Aparigraha.

You know it when you got it

Got Shraddha?

Shraddha is a Sanskrit word which means FAITH with love and reverence.
We often think we know what is best for us and become attached to a desired outcome (a relationship working out, an event occurring, ect). Our minds fixate on what we “want" and we become tense, doing what my yoga teacher calls "over-efforting". We also become mired in disappointment when things do not go our way. Even when good fortune and our "wants" manifest, things in life are never how we imagined.

Life is one great mystery.
Faith, or shradda can help us to embrace the journey, to loosen our grip and to simply, enjoy.

Believe me it is not easy. The default mode of attachment and control is strong.

Shraddha takes a willingness to be okay with uncertainty.
A big amount of TRUST
And the ability to LET GO.
We never know what our future will bring,
But we can bring more peace and contentment to our lives if let go of our expectations and hold on to our FAITH.

Often we realize later that not getting what we wanted at the time led us to something even better.

Showing up

Life is full of lessons.
If we are not paying attention we tend to miss the lesson.
However, sometimes the lesson is so glaring and obvious that it cannot be missed.

Thank goodness.

This happened to me recently.

As a recent yoga teacher training graduate I was offered the opportunity to “try out” to teach at my yoga studio. This involves teaching for 15 minutes in front of the studio owner (a well practiced yogi and teacher trainer) and a group of my peers.

I love yoga. It has helped me on so many levels, I could write a book about it. I can be a student very comfortably. I have years of experience in that role. But a teacher?

Growing in a new endeavor is challenging because my ego has perfectionist tendencies—it would rather not try than try and fail. Or be mediocre. Yet on a deep, spiritual level I feel called to teach others yoga. To share the beauty and depth of the practice.

After a long day at work I began to have doubts and think of excuses to skip the teacher try out. The previous day I had encountered the Woodie Allen quote, “80% of success is showing up”. I remembered the quote and was reassured by it--

“Hey wait! I have done ‘practice teaching’ before and will probably be offered a slot. I do not need to be a super star, I simply need to be.”

However this reassurance was soon replaced by more doubts and excuses (my ego trying to protect itself and talk me out of the plan).I picked up a book of Yoga teachings and quotes a dear friend gave me. I opened to a random page, and THERE WAS THE QUOTE AGAIN!

I had never heard or seen it before and suddenly it appears before me TWICE IN ONE WEEK!? So I went to the “try out”. Once I arrived I felt good. I enjoyed teaching and seeing the other graduates. And guess what?

All of those who tried out were offered a teaching opportunity. The most skilled & eloquent, the least skilled, and all of us in between…

There is a long road to becoming an experienced yoga teacher (or an experienced anything), and....

We can travel far as long as we keep showing up.

Half of me

I had an interesting experience at a yoga class when I stood in front of an odd-shaped mirror. Technically several mirrors had been pieced together in a 3 dimensional shape. The effect that it had was that I could only see
Half of my reflection.

It appeared that I was split down the middle and half of my body was gone. This played with my mind and I thought,
“Where did the rest of me go?”

In society we are so used to focusing on the material aspects of ourselves and life – money, body image, possessions, cars, buildings, business-- We forget that we are much more than the 3 dimensional flesh and bones we see.

Ironically the best aspects of ourselves and life cannot be seen, right?
Things like Love, Hope, Creativity, Compassion, Generosity, Humor, Healing

Yeah, the good stuff!!

The second part of the mirror’s message was: Like it, love it, or loathe it – our physical selves will be here for a limited amount of time. Perhaps half of my physical life has already been spent. Life is a precious, limited comoditiy.

What a beautiful double message –
1) That body that you see is not what you ARE
2) Embrace any stage of life you are in – all joy, all suffering, all color and darkness

To what extent are you living your life to its fullest potential?